Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
You’ll be OK
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating