Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
is it earth
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.