Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
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In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Something Saturday.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient