Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
just witnessed a drug deal
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Me too
ACED my prostate exam!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.