My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh