It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
BRAKING NEWS!!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.