aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”