Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.