Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
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Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.