Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Mistakes were made
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.