My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My safe word is Worcestershire
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Life hack
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.