The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.