I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself