When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie