*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
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estão todos miauvindo?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy