Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.