On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]