Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
How dramatic are you?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card