[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
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[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Breaking news:
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My therapist after every session
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.