“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
men, we mow at sunrise.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Finished stitching this today 😇
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say