Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
And now we wait
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday