Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
do u think theres a butter planet?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom