I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows