I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
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[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*