To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.