director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
S O O N
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway