“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
You Might Also Like
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.