Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters