Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
You Might Also Like
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I like long walks away from everyone
I wish this was real life…
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase