[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.