me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
*pronounces fake like saké*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
This is me
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.