A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.