Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
You Might Also Like
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.