I might carry a baby with one hand.
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what