Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened