When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
You Might Also Like
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
A family that plays together cheats.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.