getting corrected
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.