IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
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Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
getting old is fun
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.