I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight