I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
When news reporters do sports stories
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.