welp
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I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda