Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.