Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me if I was a dog
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.