son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
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When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Bruh PLEASE
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
i hate you platonically
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?