I’m not wrong
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The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Birds & Planes.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Nose
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]