waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Fidel Castro was alive?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire