What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
He’s dead
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
pictures of spider-man
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.