[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…