you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Lmao
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out