If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
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How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday